Are you a student?

A strangely difficult question to answer

“Are you a student?” It’s something I get asked a lot and find strangely difficult to respond to. Because on the one hand, yes, all I do is study for 10 hours a day. But on the other, I’m 2x the age of the kind of student you have in mind. What it is about that question that bothers me? Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve already played the progression of study hard, get into a great school, find a prestigious job, get married, have two kids, travel the world, etc. But then again, by the end of the two decade long self delusion, I was so good at the spin that I could no longer tell if I was doing anything meaningful anymore, or just pontificating on a dream that I lacked the foundations to create. So a part of me really does want to go back to that naive, know-nothing self. Because in a very real sense, it was more “true” to “me”.

I went to Hongdae yesterday to mix up the usual isolated grind. This is the “it” area, at the intersection of three universities and bubbling with youthful energy. It was my first time leaving a 4 block radius in weeks. There is a part of me that still sees myself as that 19 year old kid who can hang w/ all the other young folk and blend right in. But it’s strange, because I no longer have that same need to fit in, to be cool, to make friends, to be seen. Actually, I don’t want to be seen, until I have convinced myself that I’ve hit the point where I am worthy. For me, that will come with the ability to create. That old part of me still clings to this life of adventure, but I realized yesterday that now, I want different things. Maybe maturity is having the conviction and peace of mind to know what you don’t need in your life.

What I value more than anything right now is the space to figure things out. As Naval says, “Pay the world whatever it takes to leave you alone to think.”