Reflections in exile

Getting stronger, wiser, and healthier, one day at a time

putting this out here, mainly so i can look back on it at the end of the year … it’s a bit personal but the virtue of being nobody is that you have nothing to lose

three months ago, a lifetime of bad habits blew up, as i gambled away the trust that it took 20 years to build and lost millions. i exiled myself in shame, having lost friends, family, wealth, and reputation. and for that, i am infinitely grateful, because it allowed me to start becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be.

what would you do if one day you woke up and realized you had no “credit” as a human being? that it didn’t matter where you went to school or where you worked, or what you did? that you suddenly became nobody, and couldn’t reference your past, because it had been completely erased? how quickly could you become “somebody” again?

the thought that i was nearly 40 and had little resources, no hard skills, no job prospects, and nobody to lean on was terrifying. it still is. but for the first time in decades, i felt the fuel of the acid test. if i were to survive, it would be from the product of my creations, not the facade of my stories. precisely because i had become … nobody.

i resolved to myself that my life’s mission would be to help others like me, who spent their whole lives taking shortcuts as the stakes got bigger and bigger. gambling is the product of lies we tell ourselves, a false bridge between reality and expectation. how those expectations were created is a story unique to each of us. somewhere along the way, expectation is what messes us up.

for me that moment was probably when i decided in college to go down a econ/phil pre-law track instead of a math/cs track, the moment i got a 3.5 in Calculus I. because the optics of great grades were more important to me than the pursuit of learning, because thats what the system demanded to get into an ivy league law school. i do wish i could go back to that kid and tell him, it’s okay, follow your heart and study what you feel is best for you. the only grades that matter are those we set for ourselves.

over 20 years later, i do have regrets, but thankfully it is not too late. in the first month of my journey, i got frustrated at myself for how hard it was to “put it all together”, despite what the AI influencers would have you believe.

i’ve come to realize that nothing is real if we can see the results in a day. because that’s not you, that’s the machine. and so i have taken deep comfort from lowering expectations that i can rebuild in a month. the previous version of me would have rushed to convince you that it was possible. but i won’t hustle you anymore, because i’m done hustling myself. “real” progress is the kind we can’t see, emanating from the non-negotiable routines we implement into our lives. these are the things you day 7 days a week, without question.

right now, my non-negotiables are:

• 60-90m of serious physical activity per day, ideally in the sun (calisthenics, HIIT, yoga, weights, running - i have been enjoying Leo Moves, Lyons Den for yoga and Nike Training Club for HIIT)
• 100xp/day on @MathAcademy to build up to machine learning
• two hours of teachyourselfcs (.com), currently trudging through Structure and Interpretation of Computer Programs (with @perplexity_ai to ELI12 the exercises). this is a long term endeavor but more critical than ever to effectively leverage the machines
• 30m of Korean learning (howtostudykorean .com)
• 15m of EOD logging at kitsune .style
• with the remainder of the day split on more practical Udemy style curriculum like React, Next.JS, Typescript

these habits build up, and make you feel like you can take on the world. im now at 45 consecutive days of physical activity, and my v02 max has gone from 37 to 50, and i feel like there’s no challenge i cant take on. that investment in myself has made me much more attuned to all the other ways i’ve been destroying my body. getting rid of alcohol is a given, but for me coffee has been harder. because i tried to convince myself that drinking 5+ coffees a day is what i had to do to keep my body moving and revalidate the trust of everyone who had believed in me. but recently i came to realize, that’s just a symptom of the old shortcut mentality. since cutting to one cup a day, my focus and peace of mind has dramatically improved. i could probably cut that out entirely some day, but baby steps. the beans are just too good.

i often think about those whose trust i betrayed. it is so painful that i can’t communicate the full depths of my heart to all those who believed in me. and i don’t expect to regain their trust overnight, because if i were in their shoes, i wouldn’t trust me either. but since i am me, i can say this for sure: i am getting healthier, stronger, wiser, with each passing day. and so what i would say is, you didn’t invest in my company, you invested in me, and i have not forgotten that, and never will. i can’t promise any particular outcome, but i can say for sure that i am finally on the right track. and from the depths of loss, i am confident that positive things will emerge.

somewhere on X i came across six words that have stuck with me ever since: “entrepreneur’s mind, athlete’s body, artist’s soul”. i wake up every day with that in mind.

let’s get it